Oregon DOT Explodes Beached Giraffe

I've been swamped, and Gollum, I mean, Geoffrey, has been reeeeeaaalllly quiet, but I haven't forgotten them. As Gollum would likely say, `` Oh, no, nassssty giraffses, they're mean, we daren't turn our back on them, my precious.''

There is a humongous backlog of responses. These are just the tip of the iceberg. If you haven't already seen them, check out the earlier ones, too. So far, I've only caught up through Feb 22 - YIKES!

We can't disclose full contest entries yet, but we can let you see a few [more] of the letters of support we have received. Meanwhile, write letters to or call Geoffrey! Alert Bob Dole! Write Bill the Cat and ask him to eat Geoffrey's phones!

All opinions expressed belong to their owners. Our opinions about a certain mongo toy chain and its corporate parent are expressed elsewhere!

Remember, you must send the letters to TRU via us, or at least Cc: us on email, if you want to qualify for the contest!

As of recently, I've started leaving the names on most of the messages. Some message only include an Internet address, and I usually don't feel comfortable posting those without explicit permission.

What You've Been Saying

Some of these have been lightly edited purely for spelling, grammar, or strong language. My comments are emphasized just like this text.

Added to page Apr. 27

They have lawyers, we have money, access, numbers and brains. Who is going to win??? Stalin had no humor either. He's dead.

I'm already writing hate mail to the government and supporting the new Reform party out of necessity. I called Clinton a pompous, coked out yuppie twit. IMHO, seems accurate. Need I repeat the epithet?

Is this some kind of disease in America? Something rich folks get from a secret additive in a Perrier?

The fact that people this stupid could be running a good sized company makes my skin crawl.

Boycott, [the bad place]. Hire some homeless people to picket the place, it's as legal as a lawsuit and a lot smellier. But less offensive than the gratuitous misuse of a legal system overpopulated with the overlitigous and inbred spawn of Corporate self importance.

If push comes to shove, advertise for the stories of disaffected current or former employees. Every big outfit has some dirt to hide, and the effect on sales could be devastating. If they want to steal our freedom of speech, I say go for the spleen, through a nostril. Anyway, it helps establish a pattern for the abuse of power and various other misdeeds, which are real and salient. If they're this stupid, it could be a real gold mine. Aren't these the guys colluding with Nintendo to shut out American competition in the game machine market a few years back? Endorsing asian racketeering in favor of American jobs? Sacking shelf space, setting prices according to asian rules? Maybe the public needs a reminder.

Frontal attacks are fruitless and messy. Poison the water first. Then machine gun the outhouse.

Humorless people deserve what they get.

Come to think of it, what kind of brain dead lamer sells kids toys, anyway. Those who can't do, sell?

I'd send you a thousand bucks, but I have to pay the rent. Too bad.


Good luck sacking those idiots.

Kevin Simpson

You have my full support in the boycott of toys'waz'us. They're just no fun at all.

And a posting in Usenet rec.motorcycles.harley with a call to the local paper. (forthcoming)

James Moss


Sounds like a Road Kill 'Stew' to me!!!


Ok...seriously....it seems as though TRU has fallen prey to that new, and apparently untreatable American virus called YTYSTSA. I've seen it happen a hundred times. The early symptoms are starting a company, followed by rapid expansion, then appointing a board of directors. At this point the virus is treatable. In the later stages the patient feels the uncontrollable urge to incorporate, or to issue stock, and they spend billions of dollars advertising. At this point the virus can still be killed, but the survival rate drops sharply. The absolute last stage is evident when the 'corporation' begins to have paranoid delusions about all sorts of things, and it is at this point that the patient HIRES A TEAM OF LAWYERS. After this stage, THERE IS NO HOPE!!! If I were you I'd write to the CDC immediately and tell them of this outbreak of the YOURTAKINGYOURSELFTOOSERIOUSLYAGAIN virus. It is fatal and should be treated aggressively whenever and wherever it is found.

The most effective treatment to date, as published in the MMWR, is to take a big ole chill pill, kick back, and try to remember which muscles you used to use to LAUGH! Once you rediscover these muscles, you must find the largest mirror you can, hold it in front of your face and LAUGH. Go on...try it...saaayyy HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

  1. Now then ... and this is critical ... go to your computer, go to http://www.rru.com ... and when you get to their feedback screen type this message: Dear rru: NEVERMIND!
  2. Don't you feel better? I knew you would!
  3. Next ... go home, fire your lawyers for putting you in this position, and have a nice hot bath and a great cold beer.
  4. You should be alert for possible relapse. The symptoms are the slackening of those all important laugh muscles, and the recurrent thoughts that, in the grand scheme of things, I mean life, the universe and everything, the cosmos, you know, the BIG PICTURE, that somehow TRU MATTERS ... TO ANYBODY ... IN ANY WAY ... uhoh ... sorry ... HAHAHA ...
Betty St. John
Bunck of political, commercial [jive], mate.

[K.] Bullett

I refuse to support [AR] America! Toys-R-Us is a perfect example of an [AR], can't-take-a-joke, humorless, no-life, sue-first-ask-later, no-good corporate entity that is bringing America to its knees. I support boycotting Toys-R-US!!! Way to go Roadkills-R-Us!!!

[name withheld]

I think the managers at Toys-R-Us should get a grip on reality or look at changing their name to Overreactions-R-Us! Haven't they heard that "Imitation is the highest form of flattery"? And it is not like you are direct competition with them as a toy emporium!! Where is their sense of humor???


Andrew Marshall

If it weren't for all the lawyers, you wouldn't have TRU's harrassment. How about a boycott of lawyers!

[Name withheld at writer's request]

I not only know some nice lawyers, I may need one to help out if these geniuses don't straighten up their act soon! Besides, it could have as easily been some clown in management that caused this. Certainly some higher up manager bears responsibility as much as any one else, if only because this hasn't been rectified.

Toys-R-Us (more like Facists-r-us)[REEKS]! DEATH TO THE TYRANNY

Matthew Wren

This is just how he sent it in - large print, blinks, caps, etc.

Toys-R-Us [inhales hard] ... There aren't any more good toys there. And the old ones that used to be cool are WAY over priced ... They should get a life and get off your back ... Roadkill is cool.

Marty Cole

That would be interesting all by itself.


I love the net!!!

The X filez XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX [repeated a lot]

Fox Mulder

An oddball a day keeps the blahs away...

100% support....

Michael J Black

It's a real sad day in America when a jerkraffe, who makes more cents in his toy store than on the Internet, tries to put his foot down on a web wiz to stamp him out. Everytime someone makes a law, we lose some more of our precious freedom. Our forefathers fought for our rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. We cannot allow one man's dream to become another man's (or giraffe's) dinner. If my middle name begins with an r, am I going to be next?

A new motto for TRU: Roadkills-R-Fuss, Sueage-R-Plus.

Lisa Barnes

We will fight them in the villages, we will fight them on the Internet... We will do all that is in our power to keep your middle name safe!

first you should start selling things. your problem is that you aren't a company. start with rru t-shirts. something with a squished giraffe. print the boycott message on the back. that way lots of people that aren't plugged in will find out about it. take your printer and start printing up stationary with your letterhead. everyday change it. then mail it to the legal department of tru. they'll start filing it. it'll become evidence. they'll want to show it to a judge. free rru. you don't have to do these things all yourself - post the address of the tru legal department. let all your readers send them letter heads, checks, logos, etc.

y. r.

Believe me, I've thought about this!

Hello big corporate people who have nothing better to do than pick on ordinary citizens:

Just what are you thinking? HELLO!! This is a parody, you know like when David Letterman gives his top ten list at night? You DO watch television don't you, or do your keepers put you back into your pods after the sun goes down? Hey, that's an idea. Hey guys at Roadkills-R-Us, call Letterman and let him decide if he wants to help. Funny stuff if I know Letterman. Back to the corporate nazi's, this is an "information superhiway" (according to our V.P.) so NATURALLY there's going to be someone (or thing) that will be hit along the way. Get a life, sheeesh. Another thing, there's millions of 'net users, do you really want to annoy them and have them lose one of the funnier sites along the way? Sounds like a postal system waiting to happen, hope Toys-R-Us doesn't decide to open a server, it might not make it past opening day. 'Nuf said.

thatjoeguy (Joe A. Koesler)

I would like to express my complete and overwhelming support for the Roadkills-R-Us home page. I have VERY little tolerance for bullying tactics on the internet or anywhere else. It seems like the same people responsible for drafting the Communications Decency Act have joined the lawyer team for Toys-R-Us. It takes an extremely small amount of intelligence to determine the difference between a toy store and a humourous site on the net.

Now as to roadkill ... it is HUMOUR .. one LAUGHS at it. It is NOT a business or business AFFILIATE.

The trademark for Toys-R-Us should not and does not to my knowledge preclude a humourous *-R-Us web page from being put up. Please cease your bullying and your posturing. It carries very little weight on the internet, and perhaps our boycotting your stores means quite a bit more.

With GREAT disapproval,
Michael G. Haynes

i would just like to say how retarded i feel that TRU management is behaving considering this satirical use of roadkill etc. anyone with any sense of humor would and will understand what the purpose of this type of comedy is and would NOT be offended. some groups just enjoy power and i guess that's the way it will always be. i do not like TRU anyway. have you ever tried to get in and out of one of their 'stores'? thanks for listening ... the BIDRICK(squirrel)

(Bodrick Wilson)

This is great --- keep it up.

'nuff said!

barney@toyzRuz.ORG (Geoff)

Yes, that's all the address/name that was left with this one!

What kind of chicken [refuse] company are they?

Pure and unadulterated chicken [waste].

Have you ever smelled pure chicken [offal], well it smells like this, foul, fowl, foul...

boycott, you bet, but what else can we do???

how about a no giraffe sign, like a no smoking sign, ya know, giraffee, circle around it and line through it.

keep up the fight, cause if you let them win one, they'll never stop

Dave Goodman

As you can see, my twin brother Jon came up with that same idea! It graces our pages even now.

Hey Toys-R-Us: Get a life. I've got a spoiled 2 year old, and she likes toys. If you continue this insane assult on the First Amendment (ever heard of it?) we will not spend dime-one in your store! (by the way, hire some union people while you're at it. Your employees deserve a living wage.)

David C. Anderson

For the record, I've heard from a lot of people that TRU could do better in the wages department ...

I was reading about your plight against Toys-R-Us and I would like to say that they are completely and utterly off mark on this one. You have siad time and again that this is a satire. But time and again, they have come back like many people, too dumb to listen or too impatient to learn. I just hate it when big corperations think they can do whatever they want and get away with it. I wish they would do something so bad that someone could sue them and shut them down.

Anyway my suggestion for a new name is:
Roadkills Sont Nous

It is Roadkills Are Us in French but I'm not really sure about the copyright infringement there, but I doubt they could say anything because they don't sound alike and most American business keep thier american names when they go over seas. And plus this name would [hack] them off so bad :)

Adam Fistler

Added to page Mar. 13

DUH! What's their problem, I thought their trademark was the backwards R - no infringement here!

Good luck to y'all and I wouldn't change your name unless they pay ya to do so!

Val Schuler

that Giraffe with the -eatin' grin! I think you should keep the name Roadkills-r-us. These corporations think they can come onto the Net and start saying: oh you can't have that domain name, it is ours cause we have more $$$. I am sure you are familiar with the GAP thing. I for one am against the corporate snakes of America to begin with. I will join the boycott...not like I went in there anyways, but at least I will have an excuse not to.

Good luck.

Jason Clayton

-------- This is possibly one of the stupidist and most paranoid expressions of the modern corporate bureacracy I've ever heard of. Behind you all the way.

Jayson Vantuyl

It was in a rather befuddled state @4am that I stumbled into your site, and I must say what I found befuddled me even more, which truly makes a frightening statement about the nature of the whole TRU/RRU debacle. I am working on my own page up here at Rutgers, The State University Of New Jersey, home to TRU and other toxic wastes, and, in honor of this litigation, I will give it an R-Us name. What to you think? R-U-R-Us sounds pretty good - mix the name of a government funded institution with the Great Enemy (enema?) for all sorts of fun! Have fun...if I think of anything suitably obnoxious, I'll send it to TRU...

Jason Boss

How about: Intimidation R Us?
Or: Litigation R Us?
Maybe: Seig Heil? (Sorry, wrong dictatorship)

TRU is second only to Disney when it comes to suing at the drop of a name (Disneyland - more commonly referred to as Mousewitz by the internees) sues over anything.

Good luck in your fight against the selfish .

Dear Toys-R-Us:

I encourage you to stop threatening Roadkills-R-Us, and allow them to continue to use their name. You are acting like a rather large and clueless corporate bully.

As a father of 4 children and a frequent TRU shopper, I am notifying you that I will be joining the boycott against your stores effective immediately. Furthermore, I will be encouraging my friends to do the same.

Lloyd Martinson
Summit, NJ

Leave them alone. It's refreshing to see clean humor. Why would you be so petty about two little letters?

R. Fenimore

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Last updated: 25 October 2001

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Copyright 1995-2001 Roadkills-R-Us, Austin, TX. All rights preserved, jellied, or jammed. All giraffe images based on an image courtesy of Philip Greenspun. Gratefully used with permission. Roadkills-R-Us and RRU are trademarks of Miles O'Neal <meo@rru.com>. Web space provided by Net Ads.