But the biggest surprise of all was Mrs. Clinton's strategy. She plans to fight for the prime slot in all major parties, simultaneously becoming the Democratic, Republican, Libertarian and Perot candidates.
``Yes,'', Mrs. Clinton frankly admitted, ``it means making a variety of incompatible, unkeepable promises. But this has never stopped any of the parties before, nor has it ever deterred the American voter. And frankly, Bill and I are the best at it, ever.''
Washington Indian reporter Woodward Berenstein Running Bear asked how this would affect President Clinton's chances for re-election. According to Mrs. Clinton, Mr. Clinton would not be running, since a Republican Congress would never let him serve a 3rd term.
A highly placed source within the Republican Party suggested that they just might permit a one-time suspension of the rules, if they were sure Mrs. Clinton would be running as well. ``It could turn into Family Feud in the White House. You couldn't beat that for entertainment.''
According to Jessica McBurger, VP of Legal Harrassment for McDonalds, the company has asked for a stay of execution for McVeigh so that they can try him for trademark violation and, hopefully, set a ``whopper'' (sic) of a legal precedent.
``McDonalds deeply regrets the necessity of this suit,'' McBurger intoned for reporters from the depths of her Ronald McDonald suit (required attire for all McDonalds executives in public, as of last week). ``But we cannot control the quality of McVeigh's actions, which, when coupled with the likelihood of public confusion due to the similarity of our names, could easily result in loss of business for McDonalds, or our accidental arrest by a federal agency.''
McBurger went on to say that as soon as they won this suit, they would begin vigorously going after other offenders, ultimately filing a class action suit in reverse against much of Scotland.
According to recently hired BK publicist and legal advisor Dave Barry, ``We were laughing so hard we almost wet ourselves. In fact, we're thinking of ways now to force them to use the phrase "Have it your way" in their next press release.''
When asked how he ended up working for Burger King, Barry said, ``When I realized they were here in Miami, and found out the name of their management school. I just had to have a diploma from the "Whopper College". One thing led to another, and here I am, getting all the free french fries I can eat. Bill Clinton can eat his heart out.''
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