The Spumoni Belch


SPECIAL 2:24 EDITION --- Jul 4, 1997

All the news? In fits, we print.


(XYZ, Yomamatsu) The recent supertanker spill off the Japanese coast has been downgraded from 4,000,000 gallons to merely 400,000 gallons. The Japanese Coast Guard apologized for earlier over-estimates. The United Nations' Oil Cleanup Crew expressed disappointment that they had less to do, and sent several of their SWAT teams home. OCC, based in Scotland, vowed to get plenty of money from someone to pay for the mess, anyhow.

The USA's EPA announced that they were fairly certain they had jurisdiction since at least some of the polyps which produced the coral reef hit by the supertanker "probably originated in United States waters". The EPA also noted that this would deplete their "Superfund", and asked Congress for an "emergency bailout" of a few hundred billion dollars.

The Sierra Club held a press conference to remind people that 400,000 gallons ``is still a lot of oil. A lot. Spread out as an oil slick, it would cover a lot of ocean. The environment is in danger, and Japan should be closed down and made into a park.''


(TWIT, Paris) A Frenchman has threatened to sue an airline for exposing him to other passengers. The man, whose name was not released, was sitting on the commode with his pants around his ankles when the door burst open. Flight attendants drug him from the tiny stall, screaming that he must have been smoking, because the smoke detector had gone off. They drug him, still unclothed, past the other passengers, to a forward area of the aircraft where he was held until landing for violation of airline regulations.

The airline was later forced to admit that the smoke detector had probably been set off by gas emitted by the man as a result of eating airline food.

``Still,'' said a British executive with the airline, ``it's not often the rest of the world gets the chance to be rude to a Frenchman!''


(XON, Haikarate) The Japanese Minister of Natural Disasters announced that they have downgraded earlier estimates of a massive, supertanker based oil spill from 400,000 gallons to 40,000 gallons. Mr. Kawayamazuki noted that ``This is barely enough to fill 30,000 standard automobile engines with oil, assuming anyone would use crude oil in their cars. In fact, if it were refined oil, it would be far less, and would probably only lubricate a few hundred mopeds.''

The UN Oil Cleanup Crew SWAT teams went home in disgust, announcing that they were not interested in mopeds, but that they would demand further funding from the USA. The EPA, meanwhile, declared that they would have to do more studies, because ``to date, nobody has looked into oil spills involving mopeds, except on Florida beaches. We will definitely need a lot of money, and some more cool, astronaut type suits, to pursue this.''

The Sierra Club called a press conference to remind people that 40,000 gallons ``is still quite a bit of oil. And all those mopeds - they'll scare the fish!''


(QIX, Washington, DC) The USA's NTSB (National Transportation Silliness Board) has filed suit against its fellow agency, the FAA (Feckless Airlines Agency) for "refusing to use cooler fuel". The NTSB insists that Flight 800 was downed when "hot, or way uncool, fuel" caught fire.

In a prepared statement, read by ex-Transportation Secretary Elizabeth Dole, the NTSB accused the FAA of "careless with the lives of millions of people, wanton greed, being a bunch of running dog capitalist lackies of the military-industrialists".

The FAA responded, in typical monotones, with two points.

  1. There is currently no evidence as to what caused the crash of Flight 800. Just as we refused to put military style missile warning and evasion systems on the planes when the NTSB thought terrorist missiles were involved, we are not even considering this concept of 'cooler fuel'.
  2. We have recently hired some very hip engineers and musicians from California to assist in our jet fuel development program, and in fact are already ahead of other nations in "cool fuel" development. For instance, our latest jet fuel comes in tye-dyed colors which have been blessed by surviving members of the well known aviation fuel group, The Grateful dead.


(XOFF, Cyorcedin) Japan's Premier made a national appearance today to reassure the Japanese fishing industry that the recent oil spill had been downgraded from 40,000 gallons to merely 4,000. According to the Premier, ``Many people go through this much oil in the life of a single car.''

The head of the UN OCC SWAT division noted with extreme disgust that the Japanese still greatly lag the USA in oil spills. ``And 4,000 gallons is hardly newsworthy. The average Mormon keeps that much in emergency reserves. We're going home, but sending Japan the bill.''

The EPA agreed that such a small spill was unworthy of the attention received, but noted that yet another study must be started. ``To date, nobody has even looked at anything this small. We've no idea what the consequences could be, on the environment, the stock market, or anything else.'' The EPA also notified Japanese and US Customs that smuggling may be involved. ``Before, we were hearing about oil and mopeds. Now we're hearing about oil and cars. That's suspicious. And Mormons - maybe we're talking white slavery here!''

The Sierra Club grimly held another press conference, this one in conjunction with Greenpeace, who noted that whales were ``quite possibly endangered by this spill. Especially the rare, Japanese coral polyp whale, which nobody has actually seen, but which we're pretty sure exists.'' The groups announced that they were sending a ship, "Jesse Jackson's Rainbow", to investigate, and hopefully save the whales.


(KKK, Washington, DC) William Jefferson Politically Correct Clinton, President of the United States of America, admitted today that the stress of the accusations against himself and his wife were taking their toll on him. Castigating his enemies (``the Republicans, the Press, the NRA, Conservative Democrats, Liberals in Sheeps Clothing, and most of the state of Texas''), the President announced that he would not seek re-election in the year 2000.

When an Washington Post Woodward Berenstein Bear reporter noted that Mr. Clinton had already served two terms, the President launched into an impromptu two-hour speech during which he extolled the virtues of America, described his desire for world peace, bitterly decried those who had kept him from his goals (``the NRA, the Radical Christian Right, the Moderate Jewish Left, and communist infiltrators in the Great State of Arkansas''), and wound up by declaring that he would, after all, run for a third term. Bear reminded him that this was illegal. The President responded by waving some papers ``which represent incontrovertible evidence that the Republicans alone are responsible for the current fiscal problems'', and which he would ``release to the free world unless Congress allowed him the chance at a third term''.

Aids with tranquilizer rifles soon removed the President from the stage, explaining that "he has to jog to McDonalds for some french fries, for his health.''


(SUN, Rhyzing) A minor official with the Japanese government announced that the recent oil spill was ``a mere 400 gallons. This is nothing. It's less than most people use in their lawn mowers, in countries with yards to mow. Why you people are all upset over this, when we Japanese haven't any room for yards, I don't know. I, myself, have only a few Bonzai trees.'' Riot police dispersed the press, foreign cleanup crews, and eco-terrorists with tear gas.

The EPA responded that the Japanese shipping industry was apparently out to defraud the US government of billions of dollars. They requested the help of the FBI, CIA, and NTSB, and the SEC, noting that this would probably devastate the stock market.

US government economists, blindsided by this attack from an unexpected source, nevertheless managed to smile nervously and explain that they expected things to recover nicely. Most of them left the press conference in a hurry to call their brokers; several were spotted soon after in international airports.

Meanwhile, the US and Japanese Customs agencies, lost in each others' red tape, frantically tried to determine who was now smuggling lawn mowers, where the autos had disappeared to, and why no mopeds had been found to date.

The Sierra Club noted that the Spotted Owl, the Barton Creek Salamander, and an especially repulsive slug ``are all extremely fond of Japanese coral reefs, and the entire Pacific Ocean should be closed to commerce, and all boats besides natural barks, canoes, driftwood rafts, and the Jesse Jackson's Rainbow should be immediately banned from these waters''.


(Yahoo, Milpitas) Sun Microsystems announced today that it is moving its headquarters to Seattle. According to Scott McNeally, ``that's the Java capital of the world, and since the network is the espresso machine, and since we own the trademarks to the word Java, we just felt it was the natural place to be.''

Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates explained his view from the comfort of of a small deck the size of Rhode Island, at his new, 4,000,000 gallon home, that he thought this was great. ``That way, when we buy them, they're already right next door''.

With technical stocks in a panic dive, Netscape stepped in to save the day. Said Netscape Chairman Barclay, ``We have several nifty new products that we intend to give away for free, thereby ensuring us billions of dollars in goodwill revenue.'' The market reversed almost instantly, with Netscape stock rising to over 1,000 in 17 minutes flat. Netscape immediately started a hostile takeover of Microsoft, beginning by dropping tactical nuclear weapons on Bill Gates' new home. Gates, reportedly safely behind a wall of ``all the outdated PCs in the world, all running DOS 1.0'', promised to retaliate by copyrighting the electronic representation of Netscape's mascot, Mozilla.


(DOA, Mushugaipan) A clerk with the Telephone Sanitizers Bureau of Hamamatsu announced that the recent oil spill off the Japanese Coast was, in fact, a few drops of coconut oil based sun screen left by ``an incredibly thoughtless Japanese sun bather. The miscreant, when publicly identified, committed hari kari in shame. He knew that the Japanese people could not tolerate such gross violations against humanity. Just think - that sunscreen may have had actual perspiration in it! What if it had gotten on me?''

The Sierra Club refused to comment, except to note that they had successfully defended a tree alleged to contain the ``sacred remains of a 17 year old nest of a Bald Eagle'' against a horde of ``greedy, blood-sucking tourists on dirt bikes, wildlife-hating hunters with evyl assault weapons, and loggers, who the entire world now recognizes as the Great Satan''.

After discovering that the club's officers had spiked bike tires, poured acid on gun barrels, and stolen loggers' boots, the BATF arrived and destroyed the Sierra Club's headquarters in a devastating show of force. The number of dead, wounded, MIAs, POWs and collateral casualties is currently unknown.


[Editorial by Suzi Styrofoam]

The Spumoni Times management finds itself in an incredible dilemma.

On the one hand, we suspect that the BATF has done us all a great favor. On the other hand, the next time it could be us. So in the Spirit of America in the Death Throes of the Twentieth Century, we wish to extend our condolences, congratulations, best wishes, horror, amazement, and disgust to everyone involved, and to everyone else as well. Please be assured that we agree with all of readers on these issues, regardless of what your feelings may be, and we sincerely hope that no one sues us.

The Weasels in Management

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