The Spumoni Belch


SPECIAL 20:10:59 EDITION --- Aug 1, 1997

All the ooze, in fits, we rant.


(XYZZY, Yemen City) A pair of Yemeni cowboys today filed suit in US Federal Court, claiming the USA jumped their claims to Mars. The Yemeni, named Mossad and Hamas, have papers to prove their ownership. According to Ranter and Sleezeful, the Arizona-based lawyers representing the Yemeni, the two yemeni businessmen are direct descendants of a man who bought Mars from "space aliens who arrived 30 centuries ago, hiding their spacecraft in the tail of a Comet, or maybe a Valiant."

The Yemeni men, who were unavailable for interview, have been living in a small Brooklyn apartment in downtown Yemen, under a huge flag bearing the legend, Mars Needs Yemen!

The US Ambassador to Saudi Arabia (Yemen being too small to rate its own US ambassadorate) informed the men that they would be imprisoned if they set foot in the US to prosecute their case. ``This is a clear and present danger to the US space program,'' explained Ambassador O. J. Simpson, adding that ``these Yemeni are obviously prejudiced against the US, its space program, and myself.''

The two Yemeni were last seen fleeing on foot, with Simpson's 4WD vehicle (sporting ambassadorial flags) in hot pursuit.


(QBERT, Cape Canaveral) According to NASA astronomers, the planet Mars is missing from its orbit, along with its two moons. ``In its place, we have a bunch of asteroids, perhaps left as payment by a primitive, planet stealing culture,'' speculated noted astronomical genius Scott Dorsey.


(OZZY, London) According to InterPol, two notorious PLO guerillas, disguised as Yemeni cowboys, have stolen a Russian supply ship meant for the space shuttle, and ridden off into the sunset.

Edwards AFB Chief Technologist Kent Paul Dolan noted that the rocket also contained ``an experimental space warp drive, which would let it go from the Earth to the nearest planet in about an hour.''

InterPol, Scotland Yard, and the US FBI have commandeered a number of telescopes, including the Hubble space telescope, in hopes of quickly locating the thieves. ``Not that they could catch them,'' commented NASA spokesman Robert Reimann, ``since it's the only space warp drive in existence.''

According to Janet Vegas, head of the US Justice Department, the two thieves ``escaped with enough stolen nuclear warheads to destroy a planet'', and ``are just suicidal enough to use them.''

Anyone knowing the whereabouts of the thieves is urged to report them to local authorities, so that they can take cover.


(Hah, Minneapolis) Today the Badyear Corporation admitted that some of its premises may have infestations of ``demons and other scary stuff''. According to spokesperson Jenine Arbpbnmnl, the most recent incident in the Twin Cities area plunged them past the statisical point where they could still believe in coincidence.

According to Abprmnmpl, ``in one store, a woman named Mary Alice Heap brought us her car to have the timing belt rotated. We suggested she just trade it in on a motorcycle, but she refused. One of our mechanics drove the car onto a lift, and proceeded to raise it up to check underneath it for his keys, which he'd lost. As the lift stopped, the empty car cranked itself up, revved the motor, slammed itself in gear, and wheelied off the end of the ramp.

``WHOMP! The car missed the customer by mere inches, slicing off the mechanic's head, who was trying to put the moves on the customer. She had the nerve to demand a new car, but our insurance policy doesn't cover "demonic possession or other religious or psychic phenomenae". Frankly, we're bamboozled what to do. The car was totalled, as was our mechanic.''

According to Ms. Heap, the mechanic was merely careless, and the car rolled off the lift because the mechanic left it in neutral. ``No demons, no My Mother the Car, no nothing. Just carelessness.''

Noted automotive legal experts Fritz and Fratz suggested, in an exclusive interview, that Badyear sue Ms. heap for a new mechanic. Ms. Heap not only promised to fight any such move, she is demanding that her old car ``be restored to its previuous condition, but with the timing belt rotated.''

Clearly, this could be the trial of the century to surpass all the other trials of the century, such as the O. J. Simpson trials, the Timothy McVeigh - McDonalds trial, and the lesser known Nuremburg trials. Film at 11.


[Editorial by Suzi Styrofoam] Mars is at last safe from human exploitation. Whether it's been carted off by space aliens, blown up by Yemeni, or just chosen to run away, if we can't find it, we can't hurt it.

Planets are people, too, you know. Everyone should do their part for the planets. I urge you all to run right out, steal a space ship (non-polluting, please!), head for a planet, and chain yourself to it.

Remember to take a deep breath first; you might need to hold it a while.

The KneeJerks in Management

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