Eek, Your Universe, and Everything

LONG AGO, IN A GALAXY FAR AWAY, before Fluke and Ham Salad even, there lived a peaceful, agrarian race known as the Sitzbathz. The Sitzbathz had populated most of the known universe at the time via teleportation. After many eons of leafcrunching, though, they met up with the Betastreps, a violent, obnoxious race of life-force vampires not unlike the marketing droids developed in the death vats of the dreaded Duns. The BS quickly consumed the minds of the entire Sitzbath population, but in the process, the BS' minds also began to vegetate, so the Sitzbathz became as mindless robots, although they still appeared to be the same crystalline life-forms they had always been. Very unfortunately, they did not lose the Betastrep propensity to seek out and destroy carbon-based life forms, such as yourself.

BERSERKERS were created by the Laumerites. They are artificial life forms. The Laumerites had raised supercomputing to levels never before or since reached by any other race in known space. Massive banks of such computers comprised the brain of each Berserker, which is in actuality a unique space ship conceived solely to seek out and destroy life. They considered themselves to be unlife. Berserkers usually utterly destroy any life-bearing planets or vehicles, but a few of the more twisted ones have been known to capture life forms alive for study and experimentation in torture and new methods of sly destruction. The Berserkers turned on their creators and eradicated them, but not before some of them managed to convert some unactivated Berserker shells into Berserker traps.

LITTLE IS KNOWN of the Juggernauts. They appear to be clumps of incredibly dense matter, although not as dense as black holes. Juggernauts tend to appear at random throughout the part of galaxy in which the Sitzbathz dwelt, but have never been seen elsewhere. They seem to be in perpetual motion. Since the number of Juggernauts is observed to be more or less constant, they must go somewhere, but this has never been observed by human eyes, and is never mentioned in the few Sitzbathz writings that have been translated to date. Recent findings suggest they are actually non-sentient life forms.

JUST NOW, RIGHT HERE, due to a severe allergy to ultraviolet light and cosmic radiation, aggravated by the breakdown of the ozone layer from excessive hairspray when the beehive hairdo made a resurgence in LA, a massive sneeze causes you to lose control of your Fiesta and run off the road near a supersecret CIA experimental station, where a newly developed time-space-warping widget throws you into the midst of the last planet inhabited by the dying Betastreps, who, though outliving the Sitzbathz, have succumbed to a massive peni- cillin infection. The enraged, mindless robots, and their leftover technology, seek to destroy you. Only your wits and a newfound ability to teleport (if only it were more reliable) can save you. It may take a few moves before you are completely corporeal in this universe.

BY THE WAY, for some reason this universe is distorted along one of its axes - probably a result of heavy black hole activity. Don't get fooled by this.

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Last updated: 15 May 1999

Copyright 1998, 1999 Miles O'Neal, Austin, TX. All rights reserved.

Miles O'Neal <> [remove the "XYZZY." to make things work!] c/o RNN / 1705 Oak Forest Dr / Round Rock, TX / 78681-1514