The Origins of Politically Correct Man

Narrator: An illiterate, itinerant fruit miner & coal picker sits on the edge of a mine shaft, carelessly kicking against the walls, causing a few small stones to fall. Far below, unnoticed, an avalanche buries his fellow workers.

Hillary: "Whatcha doin', Billy?"

Billy: "Jes' scratchin' off lott'ry tickets, babe." <scratching noise> "Dang. Another loser."

Hillary: "Oh, honey, who cares? Just think about thuh big dance tuhmorrah naht. Ah kin hardly wait!"

Billy: "Oh. Uh, Hillary. Honey. I used muh money Ah was gonna take yew to the dance with ta buy these dumb tickets. Theys supposed ta help with edjicashun, but after scratchin' all these tickets, Ah still cain't read!"

Hillary: "You spent ahr date money on lottery tickets?"

Billy: "Honey, Ah'm sorry - truly Ah am. I thought Ah'd get smarter, and they ain't helped a'tall! Ah thot Ah'd win sumthin', but all Ah got is words, not no numbers. Fact, they's all thuh same 'septn this 'un. What's this un say, Hillary? Will yuh read it tuh me? Yew ain't mad, are ya honey?"

Hillary: "No, baby. Ah can't get mad at you. Just hurt, an' a little disappointed. Ah was so lookin' forward to wearin' that dress Ma made for me... Well, let's see that ticket... It says, guv...guv'nor of..."<gasps>

Billy: "What, honey, what is it? Yew okay?"

Hillary: "Billy! Billy Clinton! Oh, baby, honey, you is done won the guv'ner of Arkinsaw!"

Billy: "Well don't that beat all! What Ah'm gon' do with that old fool?"

Hillary: "No, honey! This means yew are thuh guv'ner of Arkinsaw! Honey, yuhr rich! Yuh'll be famous! The guv'ner of Arkinsaw! Just thank!"

Billy: "Does this mean yuh forgive me fur losin' the dance money?"

Hillary: "Billy! We kin git married now!"

Billy: "What?!"

Hillary: "Married! we kin git married! You said as soon as you got out out of that fruit minin' job we'd get married. Don't back out on me now, Billy Clinton, or Ah'll tell everyone in Podunk you spent yuhr dance money on lottery tickets!"

Narrator: Billy & Hillary got married on the way to claim his lottery prize. By that evening they were living in the Arkansas governor's mansion in Little Rock. Concerned about making a good first impression, Billy asked Hillary to help with his acceptance speech to be given the next morning. Hillary refused to kiss him good night until he agreed to support the E.R.A. This so annoyed the new governor that he agreed to support the cause, but refused to kiss Hillary good night - making this the first of many hollow victories for the First Lady of the Unnatural State. The argument was still raging the next morning, only moments before the newscast of the speech was to begin...

Billy: "Honey, you know I've always been a conservative. Why do you want me tuh change now?"

Hillary: "Honey, yuh'r a good man, but you need to see past yoah upbrangin'."

Billy: "Well, it will take some kind of sign tuh convince me that all Ah ever believed in was wrong."

< knock knock>

Hillary: "Come in!"

Billy: "Hillary!"

Hillary: "Ah'm sorry..."

Billy: "Come in."

Al: "Hi, boss..."

Hillary: Hi, Al. And don't call me boss. What if the press heard you callin' me that, me bein' whaht an' all?"

Hillary: "Honey, who's this?"

Billy: "Oh, sorry, babe. This is Aloysius Clayton Lincoln Uberoth, mah new assistant. Al, this is mah wahf an' vahs-guv'ner, Hillary."

Al: "Charmed to meet you, Mrs. Clinton."

Hillary: "Lahkwahs, Mr. Uberoth..."

Al: "Please, call me Al."

Hillary: "I luv yoah monogram - foah lettuhs, just sounds so, so... impressive."

Al: "Thank you. I use it everywhere, even my letterhead. I think it commands attention. Folks seldom forget when they've been noticed by A.C.L.U.!"

Billy: "Well, Al, what's up?"

Al: "There's a story breaking about a cave-in at a fruit mine. Eight miners trapped. Don't know for sure what happened - it could have been an accident or deliberate, but someone at the top of the shaft caused it. The only clue is a bunch of lottery tickets around the shaft. Oh, and some foot prints. Man and a woman. lead to the same J.P. y'all got married at. Justice Vince doesn't remember anyone else being there, but he's kind of senile, so the ABI..."

Hillary: "Excuse me - the API?"

Al: "ABI - Arkansas Bureau of Investigation. - they don't think they'll get very far, so they aren't pursuing it very hard."

Billy: <unsteady voice> "Uh, eight, uh, fruit miners, you said? Would that be anywhere near, uh, Podunk, by any chance?"

Al: "Yes, it is, as a matter of fact. Strangest thing I ever heard of. A Negro, a Mexican, a Korean, a Jew, an Arab woman, a left-handed, mulatto, Russian touch-typist, a Latvian dwarf with three legs, and I can hardly believe it right here in Arkansas, but an Episcopal lesbian biker priest. All killed. Now I think if you were to do something for their families..."

Billy: "My God! Hillary! Could don't think!"

Hillary: "Honey, it must be!"

Al: "What? What are you talking about?"

Billy: "Ah'm talkin' about a sign from above, that's what! A sign of a new Billy Clinton. Of a new day. The families of those poah miners will nevuh have to work a day of their lives again!"

Hillary: "Oh, Billy..." <ecstatic sigh>

Billy: "Al, let the press in."

Al: "yes, sir!"

<fade out>

Last updated: 26 May 2001

Copyright 1995 Miles O'Neal, Austin, TX. All rights reserved.

Miles O'Neal <> [remove the "XYZZY." to make things work!] c/o RNN / 1705 Oak Forest Dr / Round Rock, TX / 78681-1514