Revenge of The Evyl Assault Bottles

Washington, DC(UPI) Today, devastation struck the capital city. During a massive Congressional fillibuster on control of semi-automatic weapons, a Congressional page brought in snacks. Suddenly, the page yanked a 12-pack of Classic Coke (tm) 16-oz bottles from the serving cart. As fast as he could pull them from the 12-pack, he lobbed each bottle expertly at a Congressional head, where it usually hit with a devastating <gush>, <splick>, <phook>, or <grink>. As soon as each round was off, he lobbed another. As each 12-pack was emptied, he threw it aside, jamming another expertly into place in his left hand, and continued firing. After the "page" had dispatched every Congresscritter in sight, he jungle-clipped the remaining 12-packs together and fought his way out of the building.

Gun control proponents went ballistic. The repercussions are being felt as far away as Atlanta, where the Coca-Cola Company issued a terse report to the effect that "Coke bottles don't kill people; nuts with Coke bottles kill people". Pepsi Corp. has voluntarily pulled all 6-packs and 12-packs from store shelves until the President calls off the current ban on import cola packs or the issue is otherwise resolved.

The Capitol building janitor, when queried as to his feelings on having to clean up, remarked only, "Just the usual bunch of fizz-heads as far as I can tell".

Surviving Congress members are expected to vote on the proposed ban of multi-container packs tomorrow. The Washington, DC chief of police was quoted as saying, "They've got to include the beer & water manufacturers as well, or crime will continue to outstrip our efforts at containment". He indicated that he fully intends to keep wearing his case of plastic-bottled Sprites on his daily walks, despite his position against plastic weapons for the public.

The FBI, CIA, and CBS are working in conjunction to find the "page", who is suspected to be a former employee of Jolt Cola, the maker of high-powered colas forced to close due to Congressional ban on "high-caliber caffeinated drinks" for private citizens.

Last updated: 6 May 1994

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