Gun control proponents went ballistic. The repercussions are being felt as far away as Atlanta, where the Coca-Cola Company issued a terse report to the effect that "Coke bottles don't kill people; nuts with Coke bottles kill people". Pepsi Corp. has voluntarily pulled all 6-packs and 12-packs from store shelves until the President calls off the current ban on import cola packs or the issue is otherwise resolved.
The Capitol building janitor, when queried as to his feelings on having to clean up, remarked only, "Just the usual bunch of fizz-heads as far as I can tell".
Surviving Congress members are expected to vote on the proposed ban of multi-container packs tomorrow. The Washington, DC chief of police was quoted as saying, "They've got to include the beer & water manufacturers as well, or crime will continue to outstrip our efforts at containment". He indicated that he fully intends to keep wearing his case of plastic-bottled Sprites on his daily walks, despite his position against plastic weapons for the public.
The FBI, CIA, and CBS are working in conjunction to find the "page", who is suspected to be a former employee of Jolt Cola, the maker of high-powered colas forced to close due to Congressional ban on "high-caliber caffeinated drinks" for private citizens.
Last updated: 6 May 1994
Copyright 1989, 1994 Miles O'Neal, Austin, TX. All rights reserved.
This article may be freely distributed via computer network or other electronic media, or printed out from such media, for personal use only. Any non-personal (ie, commercial) use of this article voids the warranty which prevents my wasting hundreds, if not thousands, of yours and my dollars in lawsuits. Commercial copy permission may be granted if, in the author's sole opinion, other usage of this article is for purposes the author holds near and dear to his heart and/or wallet. For such permission, contact the author via email at roadkills.r.us@XYZZY.gmail.com [remove the "XYZZY." to make things work!] or via mail at the address below. Appearing in person at the author's residence during daylight hours for a personal audience is also permitted, provided no weapons are brought along. This notice contains no MSG, sugar, artificial sweeteners, sunlight, air, or other known carcinogenic substances or energy forms.1705 Oak Forest / Round Rock, TX / 78681-1514 / USA
This copyright may be freely used, distributed and modified subject to the conditions noted above in the preceeding paragraph. Miles O'Neal <roadkills.r.us@XYZZY.gmail.com> [remove the "XYZZY." to make things work!] c/o RNN / 1705 Oak Forest Dr / Round Rock, TX / 78681-1514