The Book of Lobotomus

(or Politicus the Berserk)

¹ And the LORD God fashioned a Declaration of Dependence, and thus did it read. ² ``We hold these truths to be self-evident. Thou shalt love the LORD thy God with all they heart, and with all thy brain, and with all thy bowels, and with all thy bank account, and with all thy time, yea with all thy very life thou shalt love the LORD thy God. ³ And thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself, or as thou ought to love thyself, until the LORD thy God shalt adjust thy self-esteem upwards or downwards, as thy ego requireth.''

⁴ And the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost did signeth the Declaration of Dependence, and did cause it to be delivered to the Kingdom of Man (which in Hebrew meaneth, "the self-inflicted wound"), ⁵ where it did promptly go into committee for study, and was not seen again until the end of time.

⁶ So the LORD was wroth with man, and did send various of his angels, disguised as Indians, to throw the more obnoxious of the human governors into the Harbor of Boston. ⁷ But the waters were thick with pollution and corruption, and the governors didst slither home in the night upon the surface of the water.

⁸ And the followers of the LORD were disheartened. So to fortify their constitutions, the LORD God did produce a Constitution. ⁹ And the Constitution of the LORD did say as follows: ``Be ye holy as I am holy''. ¹⁰ And the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost did all ratify the Constitution, ¹¹ and bade the angels to deliver it to the followers of the LORD God amongst those who abode on the surface of the planet of Man. ¹² But after it was delivered, the LORD God could detect little change in the demeanor of His followers. ¹³ So it came about, that the LORD did cause the behavior of certain televangelists and other false gods to be exposed, for many of them had already exposed that which they ought not.

¹⁴ But diverse and foolish amongst the followers of God did still follow the exposed ones, and many others turned away all together from God, having not the sense to tell apart the pure waters of the Great Ocean from the brackish, scum infested ponds that littered the land.

¹⁵ And the Father spake thusly to the Son and the Holy Ghost: ¹⁶ ``What shall we do with this contentious people, who stop their eyes with MTV, and their ears with elevator music, and their nostrils with unburnt hydrocarbons, and make themselves ignorant as the armadillo, which, ignoring the roadkill of his kith and ken round about him, doth meander amongst the rapid wheels of the rusty impala?''

¹⁷ And the Son, who had loved and died for the inhabitants of the planet of Man, did shake his head from side to side in sorrow at the dullness of the frontal lobes of so many once intelligent creatures.

¹⁸ And the Spirit ceased not to speak words of sense and encouragement to both the follower and the maniac, and even to the union and the management.

¹⁹ And a certain faction of the angels, led by one Democritus, did boldly bespeak the LORD God and suggest that he needeth to cease holding back every good thing from the people of the planet of Man. ²⁰ ``Yea, verily,'' sayeth Democritus, who had not sense to trucketh not with one Sassafras (which, translated, is "Dog Food in the Guise of a Great Light"), <sup>21</sup> ``if only thou wouldst give to them all that is their inheritance, and maybe some extra, then would all the inhabitants of the planet of Man be content, ²² and in their contentment would they return to thy presence. For looketh, even now many have to worketh just to eateth, and steal that they might wear a Rolex to know accurately the time of Thy return! ²³ And if thou should take the glory and the honor thou hast so far bestowed upon Thy Son, and give it to those far less deserving, would they not be grateful?''

²⁴ Now Democritus meaneth Silly Twit.

 

¹ And the LORD God was wroth with Democritus, and the Father's anger was greatly kindled against him, for he knoweth better. ² But before the LORD God could answer, Republicus did join the verbose Democritus in entreating the LORD God to differently treat the inhabitants of the planet of Man (which is in the Greek "Self Destruction"). ³ For Republicus and his followers did continually discourse on the need to interfere not in the lives of men. ⁴ Republicus sayeth thusly to the LORD God, ``Wherefore wilt thou not let the man be as a free agent, and move about as he is able, even unto possessing all of heaven, if he be so able? ⁵ And thus, through free trade, wilt man come to recognize Thy great love and wisdom. ⁶ And if it so be that the inhabitants of the plant getteth out of line, art thou not prepared to go to war (by which Republicus meaneth, jihad) already?''

⁷ And the meaning of Republicus is Silly Twit.

⁸ And the LORD God hung His head, as if in weariness, and in truth He was greatly exasperated. ⁹ But again, before the father did respond to the advisors, yet more of the angels did open their mouths, ¹⁰ and out of the mouths of Independix, and Libertarius, and Marxius, and many others, ¹¹ did pour a torrent of old maxims, baseless diagnoses, random absurdities, and congealed lies. ¹² And upon all of these did feast the inhabitants of the planet of Man, and of them all he inexplicably preferreth the latter, especially the raspberry.

¹³ And the LORD God wouldst abide it no more; this much only would He stomach, for noisy was the host, though it was but a third part of the angelic party, and all heaven was annoyed with the clamor thereof. ¹⁴ And the Father looketh at the Son, who bowed in agreement, and the Holy Ghost was still for a moment, and all the host grew silent in fear.

¹⁵ And the LORD spaketh in great anger and sadness to the angels who had taken leave of their senses, which senses have never been seen since, and sayeth: ¹⁶ ``Thou hast asked me for chalk, and of chalk have I not given thee? ¹⁷ And with the chalk, which thou shouldst have used to write my words on the streets of the inhabitants of the planet of Man, ¹⁸ by which I meaneth "Those Which Might Have Been Mighty but Have Chosen the Route of cannon Fodder", ¹⁹ thou hast played hopscotch on the streets of heaven, and hast drawn lines which thou hast dared me to cross. ²⁰ And when I did not deign to pay the least attention to thy lines, thou didst cross them thy selves and presume this made ye as me, and gave thee the rights to muck with the lives of others as well as thine own. ²¹ And I have had it up to here'', sayeth the LORD God, holding His hand up to about the height of the top of his head, which in cubits is a height foreign to me, for who can look upon the kneecap of the LORD God, much less His head, and live? ²² And who comprehendeth cubits?

²³ So the LORD God, feddeth up with the perversity, did send the felonious angels to dwell upon the inhabitants of the planet of Man (And the Croatians call it the planet of Well Deserved Selves). ²⁴ ``For they greatly deserve one another'', sayeth the LORD, ``yea, they even begin to resemble one another, and the look of them resembleth the slug.'' ²⁵ And the LORD God repenteth of this saying, lest He offend the slug, ²⁶ and instead he sent a plague of lawyers unto the planet, and a plague of politicians sent the LORD God, and none could dispute the justice of His acts.

²⁷ And the Father and the Son and the Holy Ghost did write upon two tablets ten amendments to the Constitution, by which they hoped to explain to the remnant of Men who had not ceased to walk about on two legs the laws and freedoms that were theirs. ²⁸ But immediately upon receipt of the tablets, certain worthless fellows amongst the inhabitants of the planet of Man (which meaneth only The Living dead), did submit these also into Committee, from which no good thing ever returneth.

 

¹ And the LORD God did walk upon the face of the planet of Man, which is, by way of translation from Portugese, "Those with Heads of Cheese", to see the mood of His followers. ² And the LORD was disgusted, and had to tread lightly, lest He destroy the few remaining shrubberies which the inhabitants had not yet located to destroy. ³ And the stench of the exhaust of the factories, and of the vehicles, and of the government, and of the entertainment industry, and yea, even of the churches, was such that God held his nose.

⁴ And hither and thither did the LORD find one who knew Creator from cretin, and who had lived by the words of the Declaration of Dependence, and of the Constitution, and even of the Ten Amendments ⁵ (oft known as The First Ten Amendments, for many schools of theology had sprung up, full of good intentions, and of themselves, and had added various and sundry meaningless and silly amendments to the ten the LORD had giveneth), ⁶ and occasionally yon did he find one who zealously guarded these truths and taught them to others without distorting them to suggest transferring of large sums of denarii to the account of the teacher.

⁷ But so full of itself was the land that the LORD once again found no room for His presence among men. So He retireth into heaven, from which He ventureth forth only when sorely provoked or to bring one of His own into His home. ⁸ And the plagues of lawyers, and of politicians depart not from the planet of Man (which meaneth "Swims with the Fishies"), nor did the cantankerous angels any more depart, ⁹ but rather they formed armies which ceased not shouting their doctrines both day and night, lest they fail to bore the inhabitants of the planet of Man to death, or at least into a stupor. ¹⁰ And Confusion did sit upon the throne of the New World Order, and did reign until Men (by which we mean Those with the Sensibilities of Cow Patties) were so bewildered that they did dance upon their own graves.

¹¹ And so, by a clear mandate of the overwhelming majority, by way of a vote, of the inhabitants of the planet of Man (which is, by way of translation, "Those of Perpetual Intellectual Diaperhood"), shall it be til the end of time.

¹² And the Father, who holdeth the stopwatch sayeth, ``and that cometh not a moment too soon.''

Copyright 1997 Miles O'Neal, Austin, TX. All rights reserved.