The Spumoni Belch


SPECIAL 1:17 EDITION --- Feb 10, 1993

All the news you're scared to see


(AWK, Princeton) In a surprise announcement, Novell announced the closing of USL, the owners of unix. A spokesperson for Novell freely admitted this had been the plan from the first. What had not been previously suspected, but was also admitted, was that Steve Jobs was partially beyond the buyout and closing of USL. The Novell division's assets (primarily a few key employees) are being auctioned off by Sotheby's of London. The sole named exception is Dennis Ritchie, who will be chained up in front of Novell's headquarters as a watchdog and lesson to all who disparage Novell with Biblical references.


(SNN, Washington, DC) In an effort to keep its customers, the taxpayers, happy, the US Federal Government has reorganized as a not-for-profit organization. The president has indicated an appeal may soon be made for "broad-based contributions" to assist the hapless government employees: "Many of these people are currently forced to make do with two Volvos, an illegal alien for a nanny, and legal indemnification from the results of anything they do. They are not responsible for their lot in life, and I believe they deserve free health care, large pensions, and Porsches."

Noted economist Dave Barry had this to say. "We see nothing changing in the immediate future, so we feel just like we did yesterday, except more so, so we are taking the rest of the day off."


(ICN, Chernobyl) NeXT founder Steve Jobs publicly admitted today that sales of NeXT platforms are less than stellar. In an effort to cut losses and gain market share, Jobs announced that NeXT will cease manufacturing NeXT hardware immediately, but all remaining inventory will be sold at a 50% markup due to "collector's value".

Jobs went on to say that NeXT has signed an agreement to begin reselling NeXTOS on IBM mainframes and minicomputers: "We expect that this will revive the market for pig, I mean, big iron and midsized computers."

A poll of industry pundits revealed agreement that "Steve Jobs long ago lost touch with this planet - nothing new here."

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