SCIENTISTS LINK NEWLY DISCOVERED HORMONE, FOOTBALL(SNN, Cleveland) Scientists here today revealed the discovery of a hitherto unknown hormone, machogen. Apparently synthesized by the body in portions of the colon formerly believed to be used solely for storing parasites to aid in the digestion of steaks, machogen is primarily produced in males between the ages of 14 and 25, and from 26 on.
Machogen, nicknamed the "stupid hormone", is responsible for such diverse behavior as crushing beer cans against the forehead, shooting deer with LAWS rockets, dragracing the wrong way on a one way street, yelling "hubba, hubba!" at women, and buying homes with large lawns to mow.
Men with low machogen levels tend to think before they act, or at least be right when they act without thinking (they also prefer their meat cooked, if they eat meat). Men with medium levels of machogen tend to play football for fun, wear lamp shades on their heads at parties, and scream at old ladies in old cars at traffic lights (they prefer their meat raw). Men with excessive levels of machogen either play football professionally, or get into firefights at football games over calls they don't like, or which side's cheerleaders are cuter. They like to run into old ladies in old cars at traffic lights. (These men prefer their meat to fight back.) Drastic reduction of machogen production results in spending the weekends drunk watching football on TV (and eating anything handed them, even raw shoes).
Some women have elevated machogen levels, but this is rare. If offset by not being allowed to play contact sports, bizarre behavior disorders may result. An ongoing investigation of these effects targets Oprah Winfrey as a likely machogen-high female.
Corroborating reports from Akron define agents which may cause sudden rises in machogen levels, as well as discovery of a new virus, which enhances most of the effects of machogen, while all but destroying the violence-producing effects. In the words of Dr. Nigel Keam of the Akron Branch of the New Zealand Institute of Hormonology, "it is responsible for the more passive sort of moron, like Barney Fife or Gilligan." Researchers have dubbed the virus the "Potatoe Virus".
This research was performed in Cleveland and Akron because of the high incidence of brain-dead behavior by males from the area. A spokesperson for the office of the Governor of Ohio, however, suggested "It's just all the rubber in the air. Those people are born that way."
JAPANESE PERFORMANCE FIGURES EXPLAINED(TNS, Tokyo) Japan's Ministry of Trade today revealed for the first time the explanation behind the apparently inflated performance claims by Japanese automobile and motorcycle manufacturers.
"The Japanese worker, being smaller than the average human, has smaller feet. Since western measurements define a mile as 5,280 feet, and since the Japanese foot is shorter, figures relating physical constants, such as time, to the necessarily shorter Japanese mile therefore seem inflated to western cultures. Japanese horses, predominantly of bonsai scale, are correspondingly smaller; hence horsepower figures are also higher in Japan than elsewhere, as more horses are required to perform an equivalent amount of work. Fortunately horses are used for this measurement instead of human workers, of the ratio would be even worse than it is now."
In a related announcement, GM is opening plants in Borneo, pledging to use only workers under 4'10". According to Roger Crasso, president of the Chevrolet Division of GM, "this will enable the USA to again produce cars capable of outperforming the Japanese, restoring this country to its rightful greatness."
PHYSICISTS IN UPROAR(HRPNS, Killeen) The physics world was shaken to its very foundations today by the discovery of a particle whose existence had never been suspected. Researchers at the Texas Underground Supercollider Project, secretly funded by H. Ross Perot, revealed to the world the existence of the futon particle.
"The futon," stated Dr. Furniteur, currently on loan to the TUSP from the University of Auckland, "is the particle responsible for the state of rest sometimes observed in other particles, which was unexplainable before now. When other particles approach the futon, the futon absorbs energy from them, and the two particles (or occasionally more) seem to merge for a while. After a period of time usually ranging between one and twelve hours, the energy is rereleased back into the other particles, which then go on about their business. Occasionally, through some process currently not understood, the energy leaks out of the futon, and the other particle(s) never regain momentum. In these cases, the other particles simply remain 'glued' to the futon forever. We call this the Couch Potatoe Paradox, as the particles somehow increase in mass, even though the energy has gone elsewhere.
"Futons typically have no spin, but may have color. They tend to remain at rest themselves, although they occasionally have been observed to move from one rest point to another, usually carried along by some other particle, such as a muon. Futons appear to be propagating at an alarming rate. We aren't sure where or how they originate, but we are beginning to suspect they first appeared (at least in the US) in California."
WORLD'S LARGEST FUNGUS FOUND IN WASHINGTON, DC(CNN, DC)Larger than any fungi discovered in forests, botanists today revealed the largest fungus found to date resides in Washington, DC. Occupying large portions of the capital of the USA, the fungus has been there for nearly 200 years, living off everything in its path, and slowly spreading like a late night science fiction slime mold to encompass the entire city.
Even more alarming is the fact that tendrils have been found linking this fungus to all 50 states, primarily in their capital cities, but often spreading throughout the countryside as well. Spores have been found in most foreign countries as well.
Entire armies of experts have been called in to help deal with the creature, which is growing "completely out of control", as one visitor to the city phrased it. Marvin Kiser, an accountant from North Carolina, relates his story.
"Last night I noticed this stuff everywhere - in my food, in my toothpaste, all over my car, you name it. This morning I woke up and it was in bed with me, quivering like an obscene Oprah-sized mound of lime jello, attempting to smother me. I struggled out of bed, and threw a briefcase full of forms at it, but it just seemed to grow faster. I fled, and here I am at the Maryland Visitor's Welcome Station and Detainment Center. I didn't know I could run that far any more."
Captain Palmer of the Maryland State Police Department said they have had an "enormous influx of such cases lately. But we treat them just the same as we do everyone else visiting or passing through this great state. We check them for lice, charge them a small fee, and chase them off. Most of them have enough sense not to come back."
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