OLSON TO FRY LIKE A FISH(DGN, Boston) Ken Olson was sentenced to death by electrocution today by a jury of his peers. The jury, composed primarily of VAX system architects and out-of-work BLISS programmers, convicted Olson of selling snake oil to unsuspecting consumers. Tickets will be sold to Olson's impending demise, and the proceeds will be used to pay for reeducation of thousands of suddenly useless VMS system administrators.
VIRUS DESTROYS NET(AGE, Atlantis) The new U.S. Androidics Sphincter modem, advertised as having "the world's best flow control", has been hit by a particularly nasty virus. Originally thought to be a mutation of the Telebit Trailblazer Control register Virus which struck Usenet several years ago, it was discovered instead to be an intentional side effect of the X Protocol added by a disgruntled NeWS programmer infiltrated into the X Consortium by the Jobs Boys, a terrorist arm of the Closed Software Foundation.
The X-Lax virus, which modifies 1 bit in the PROMs of the Sphincter's undocumented control software (known internally as The Nether Regions), results in random streams of data being pumped through the modem at full speed, disrupting normal operations. Specialists at U.S. Androidics have announced that a cure for "the Squirts" has been effected. This cure, known as Malox, is being distributed to all customers via the net. Acting as a benign virus to restore the original program and guard against future bugs, Malox has a nasty side effect, though; as it passes through Telebits, they tend to get the Squirts, themselves. "Not my problem", the president of U.S. Androidics noted whan asked about the side effect.
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