TRIAL OF THE MILLENIUM (ALREADY)(Round Rock, TX) A Texas doctor who "lost" 14 million dollars gambling in Las Vegas is suing the casinos to recover the money. ``It just doesn't seem right, you know? I mean, I worked hard for that money, and they want to just steal it like that? Besides, the Mao Clinic reported eons ago that gambling is addictive. They shoudl have protected me from myself. It's their resposibility.'' The doctor, whose lawyers have convinced our lawyers of the wisdom of not printing his name, claims it's not his fault he lost the money. So whose fault is it? According to the doctor, ``The devil made me do it!'' So he's suing Satan.
Satan, appalled at this turn of events during such a busy season (``The war in the middle east requires all my attention just now'') was livid. ``There's no sense of personal responsibility any more,'' said Satan.
Satan requested the best counsel available. But since Jesus refused to defend him, a rather miffed Satan turned to the only earthly lawyer who'd ever beaten him, Daniel Webster. Under a special writ of habeus corpsus, Satan had Mr. Webster disinterred. This intrepid reporter braved the cemetary late at night, amidst howling wind and howling demons, to interview the esteemed Mr. Webster about his chances of winning. But Mr. Webster simply lay in his casket, grinning at the stars, and provided no comment. But Satan is confident. ``I know the laws. By the time they determine who has full jurisdiction in the case, the good doctor will be dead. Then he has to play on my court.''
WORLD'S MOST EXPENSIVE GYP(Daimler, MI) Everything in Texas is bigger, even the tax refunds. That's what prompted Chumpion Chiseler/Gyp to run radio ads proclaiming, ``Bring in your tax refund, and we'll give you double that much off your next vehicle, up to TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!'' Even someone who can barely balance their checkbook should realize that this would put a company out of business pretty fast, no?
Bert Chumpion, Vice President of PR for Chumpion, explained. ``The average car buyer is pretty confused. How else do you explain the fact that every year so many people buy a new car whose value falls by 25% or more the minute they drive off the lot, only to buy another car the next year? Anyway, we do lose money on some of these sales, but we make it up on another class of buyer.''
One such buyer was Maxine Blondie, a recent college graduate with big hair, big eyes, big dreams, and a big number on her letter from the IRS. ``I was just so excited that when I got my tax refund and saw that big, red, $7,249.12 I couldn't control myself. I squealed, jumped in that old K-Car I drove through college, and came down here to buy myself a Gyp. The payments are a little higher than I expected, but at least I have this cool, new, Barbie Gyp. Maybe with next year's refund I can trade it in on a Barbie Hummer!''
Bert Champion explained. ``Miss Blondie brought in her tax notice that she owed all this money. Our salesman tried to tell her we couldn't take that, but she quoted our ad, and threatened to sue. So we took it, and added double that much (capped, unfortunately, at ten thousand dollars) to her loan amount. So she bought a twenty thousand dollar vehicle for thirty thousand dollars. She's happy, we're happy, everyone is happy. So far this year, thanks to customers like Maxine, we're actually making money on this giveaway. Next year we may not have the ten thousand dollar cap.''
US VEEP SHOOTS BIRD(Scumbucket, TX) We have just discovered that several weeks ago, US Vice President Cheyney went on a fact finding trip to Texas to determine whether the US should open an embassy there. During the visit, he was invited on a bird hunt by a lawyer from Dubai residing in Texas, Abdul Harry Whattington. During the hunt, the Vice President, told that Whattington had once voted for a democrat, became enraged and shot a bird at the lawyer. Whattington, shocked, tripped over a retriever; his shotgun discharged into his prostate, ``Oh, well,'' Whattington mused from the hospital, ``I needed that out, anyway.'' When asked why it took several weeks for the White House to report the incident, the Vice President replied that between incident reports, ballistics tests on his finger to be sure it was he who shot the bird, Secret Service interviews, FBI interviews, consultations with his lawyers, and taking bagels by the hospital for Whattington, that he had been ``rather busy and simply hadn't gotten to it.'' The Vice President also got a warning from a Texas game warden for not having the correct bird stamp on his hunting license.
US PORTS SOLD TO TALIBAN(Port Arthur, TX) In a surprise move by the United States government, US ports are being turned over to the Taliban for a price roughly equivalent to twenty four dollars worth of cheap Afghan trinkets.
From a secret cave somewhere in the Middle East, our brave reporter, Michael Debinhex, filed a final dispatch. We know it was his, because it was written in his hand, and still clutched in his hand, when it arrived. (Anyone knowing the whereabouts of the remainder of Mr. Debinhex is asked to notify the Belch immediately. Thank you.) Here is Debinhex's final dispatch.Osama bin Laden is as surprised as anyone that the sale went through. ``The Great Satan's ports are currently owned or managed by the Chinese, the Mafia, the North Koreans, Vincente Fox, and a family in Wales. We were bored, so when we realized that the family in Wales was selling their ports to finance growth in their other businesses (guitar amps and revitalizing the British racing auto industry) on eBay, we put in a bid. Pretty much a lark, because without my family back in Saudi Arabia supporting me, we're a bit tight on cash. So I bid some paste replicas of the family jewels. And we won!''The White House urged calm. According to President Bush, ``There's no need to panic. We are still a strong country. We are still a safe country. Mr. bin Laden is from a good Saudi family, and many of the Saudis are friends of mine. Our unions will still provide cheap, illegal, Mexican labor to operate the ports. The Department of Homeland Obscurity will still be in charge of giving each security deputy one bullet. The Taliban will only be taking over day to day management and operation of the ports, allowing ships in and out, inspecting containers, letting people in and out, running the computer networks, and controlling and tracking all data related to these things. It's as safe as a bird hunt in South Texas with Dick Cheyney.''
New York Senator Hillary Rodham Jefferson Clinton disagrees. ``This is disgraceful! I am appalled at how little the President values the lives of people in this country. Next he'll be refusing to provide tactical nukes to poor, illegal immigrants for self defense!'' Senator Clinton, along with Senator Ted Kennedy, other Democrats, and various Republicans such as Vice President Dick Cheyney, banded together and formed a new political party, the Rolling Stones Gather No Moss Party, in protest of the move. Other Democrats, most notably former Presidents Jimmy Carter and William Jefferson Rodham Clinton, as well as various Republicans, sided with the President to form a new party of their own, the Band of Gypsies. The few remaining Democrats and Republicans banded together under Kinky Friedman and Ron Paul to form the Texas Party to Save the Prairie Chicken.
A middle eastern potentate, speaking anonymously, has asked the Belch to investigate what sort of drugs the US government is ingesting. Look for a report soon.
US VEEP SHOOTS LAWYER(The Frolicing Grouse Ranch, TX) We have just discovered that several weeks ago during US Vice President Cheyney's fact finding trip to Texas, the Vice President shot a local lawyer, Henry "Invisible Man" Wittington. This apparently happened the day after another vice presidential hunting party member shot himself. During the hunt, Wittington, who became invisible in an accident during his earlier career as an astronaut, shed his clothes to play a joke on the Vice President. While sneaking up on Mr. Cheyney, Wittington accidentally flushed a covey fo quail, which flew directly betweem him and the Vice President. The Vice President let loose with both barrels, missing the birds but nailing the lawyer.
Several days later, Mrs. Wittington called the Vice President's office to ask if he knew where her husband was. When told that he had ``disappeared during the hunt'' she replied, ``I hate when he does that''. A search party was sent out, and the weakened lawyer was finally discovered by a bird dog. Wittington is recovering, but has had several scares when bird shot the doctors chose not to remove because removal wasn't covered by insurance set off metal detectors at airports. ``Nearly gave me a heart attack.''
When asked why it was days after the accident that the report came out, Vice President Cheyney simply shrugged his shoulders. ``We didn't even know he was down. And then we had to find him. You try keeping up with an invisible man.'' The Vice President was cited by a local game warden for hunting lawyers out of season.
LET LOOSE THE DOGS OF WAR[Editorial by Suzi Styrofoam]
We are inundated with issues related to national security. But one stands out clearly above the rest. As the President has noted, we are at war, and we must not take chances. The Taliban has a new secret weapon, and stands poised to destroy our country and way of life.
The United States has always taken the moral high ground. We have promised never to use our deadly arsenal to strike first. We have always claimed we would use the ultimate weapon only in defense. But now we have fired the first shot, and the Taliban will be using that weapon against us.
Mr. Vice President, you have loosed a monster. The Maginot Line, Omaha Beach, Dresden, even Hiroshima and Nagasaki pale in comparison. If we are not safe from insult, how are we safe from anything? But when you gave the finger to that lawyer from the UAE, you gave the finger to everyone associated with them, including the Taliban.
So the Belch, after much editorial agony, after hours of heated debate, after intense civil war solved only by chucking certain staffers down the elevator shaft, renounces our former position against finger registration and finger control. Please, Mr. Vice President and Mr. President. Please, America. Quit giving people the finger before it's too late.
The KneeJerks in Management
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