STONES CAUGHT IN SLINGSHOT OFF CHARTS(ABC, Dunhill) Last night during a concert in Roquefort on the Thames, before several hundred thousand raving fans, the Rolling Stones accidentally ended their incredibly long-lived career.
During a frighteningly country rendition of "Sympathy for the Devil", Mick Jagger (apparently on more drugs than usual) attempted to leap over a stack of speakers. Instead he crashed into it and knocked it over, scattering the band. Unfortunately for the band, most of the music kept going, including Mick's vocals. Mick, meanwhile, was unconscious, with his head buried deep in the cone of an 18" woofer.
Fans stormed the stage, first concerned for their heroes, then furious as it dawned on them that Jagger had been lip syncing the music. Hours later, secure behind a military barricade, the band admitted that only Keith Richards and Charlie Watts still play every note. The rest of the tour was cancelled, and many radio stations banned the Rolling Stones from their play lists.
Several other re-formed 60s and 70s groups admitted they could no longer play, either. Meanwhile, Milli Vanilli has announced a new album and tour.
GENERATIONAL ICON PULLS A BERLIN WALL, BITES DUST(STP, NYC) The world of rock and roll was dealt another incredible blow today.
It all began when Andy Whitman, of Mt. Vernon, Ohio, realized that neither he, nor anyone he knew, had been at the first Woodstock Festival, or even knew anyone who had been there. It was always a friend of a friend, or something even less tangible.
Whitman's detective work was aided and abetted by Peter Tork of the Monkees. According to Tork, ``We certainly weren't there. And none of our friends ever actually talk about it around us. Even the ones on the record, like David Crosby.''
Calls to a variety of people who should know failed to turn up one single individual who had actually been in the concert audience. Eventually, Leslie West and Corky Laing admitted that Woodstock never happened.
``It was all just a joke, at first,'' said West. ``We decided to claim that we had this huge festival, and just sort of play with the whole hippie, late 60s theme.''
Laing interrupted. ``But it got out of hand. It seemed terrifically funny to see all the news coverage. It was a riot when Crosby, Stills and Nash's song made the charts. And of course, the record we all made by throwing together bits of unreleased concerts did quite well. But before we knew it, the thing was completely out of hand. And we realized that if we tried to stop it...''
West groaned. ``We tried a bit at first. Told a couple of our friends. Nobody even believed us! Eventually Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Reuben rolled to the fact that we weren't jiving, but they just saw it as theatre, thought it was great! Good for the cause! They weren't about to say anything. In fact, they leaked word that Corky and I had gotten some bad acid and dreamed up this theory about Woodstock never happening, so then nobody would believe us, anyway.''
One would expect this to have a massive effect on the generation which claimed to have lived Woodstock, but most of the survivors don't even like to think about those days. The primary victims seem to be the teens of today, who have a new slogan, slightly modified from the late 60s:``Never trust anyone over 30 especially if they're under 55.''
DEMOS SEE ELVIS(FAT, Graceland) In a move that left the rock world reeling and the rest of the world in flames, the USA's Democratic Party today announced that they had adopted Elvis as their new mascot.
President Clinton addressed the party from her office. ``We're tired of jokes about stubborness and jackasses. And we wanted a cool icon. We really wanted Joe Camel, but without the stigma. And who's cooler than Elvis?''
A White House press release noted that a large contribution from undisclosed Indonesian and Chinese parties had been made to the Presley estate in the party's name, in return for which the estate had given the Demos non-exclusive rights to the same image used by the United States Postal Service on its postage stamps.
Fans' reactions were mixed, and strong. A procession of older fans chanting, "The King is dead, long live the King!" marched head on into a horde of younger fans furious at the "desecration of Rock and Roll's Monarch" outside the Graceland main gates. Several people were injured by hard-thrown epithets; they threatened to sue. This led to street fighting and a riot soon developed. Graceland was destroyed. The Tennessee National Guard was called in, but too late, as thousands of tour busses carrying angry fans on both sides of the issue arrived. Most of the state of Tennessee is ablaze.
The President was unavailable for comment, but her faithful dog, Bill, quipped for the CNN cameras, ``Elvis always caused a commotion, from the first time he was on Ed Sullivan. This is great!''
SMELLS LIKE TEEN WHAT?(THD, Kalamazoo) In a joint press conference from Koala Lumpier, Moog and Yamaha today announced the creation of two entirely new concepts in program modules for synthesizers: "Bio-Acoustic Sounds" and "Weapons".
The ABS modules synthesize a variety of basic and complex natural sounds, generally of a biological nature, ranging from cells dividing to heartbeats to gastritis to flatulence. The weapons module covers everything from rubber band guns to BB pistols to attack aircraft destroying small cities.
Ted Nugent and Moon Unit Zappa have announced the formation of a new band (The Teddy Zappas) to explore "the new art forms suddenly opened up by these innovative, brilliant, disgusting instruments". ``Just think,'' says Moog spokesperson Ferret Leach, ``delicate layers of gastrointestinal disorder chords, with real machine gun riffs for the melody!''
The ACLU has joined Americans for Public Decency in asking Congress to ban sales in the USA ``for the common good and the survival of humankind''.
ELVIS, SAVE US![Editorial by Suzi Styrofoam]
Elvis, where are you? When you should be playing "Heartbreak Hotel" and kissing your true fans, you're off playing Fat Cat with the Democrats. Meanwhile, a new form of music provably more evil than disco (maybe -Ed) is about to destroy civilization as we know it.
Why is there never a comet with space aliens around in its tail when you need one?
The KneeJerks in Management
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