*SPLAT*Roadkills-R-Us Job Openings

While some openings come and go, the following are positions for which we always have openings. Most positions require a degree (98.6 or so, in fact), and advancement typically requires that your personal vehicle show you to be at least an ace, if not a multiple ace.

Roadkill Removal Technician - This entry level job is the primary route into RRU for most people. It includes a 1-month training program in remains identification, cleanup instigation, approximate pricing, bag deployment, vehicle dodging, scavenger fighting, and not-heaving-your-cookies. Recently published rates per roadkill apply. You will quickly gain hands-on experience with what you are taught in class. Requires proof of existence and non-negative IQ.

Roadkill Removal Technologist - A step up from Technician, this job includes a two-month course with national certification by the ASRRT (American Society of Roadkill Removal Technology). Coursework and duties include unsticking older kills, vehicular grill rescue operations, exact pricing, vehicle fighting, scavenger dispatching, paying off municipal health inspectors and training Technicians. As this is a more prestigious position, you will be paid at 10% less than Technicians (who do most of your disgusting work for you anyway). Requires positive IQ, urine sample from a roadkill, and either 3 months experience as a Technician or 1 month as a politician or sewer worker.

Roadkill Area Supervisor - Duties include taking calls, dispatching crews, standing around on-site, halting for breaks, sending for donuts and coffee, and driving around in a company pickup truck whistling at members of the opposite sex. Requires background on municipal road crew or 6 months as a Technologist with RRU. As this job requires a frontal lobotomy, medical benefits are included, and another 10% is deducted from published rates.

Economic Enhancement Advisor - This is a really high-zoot job. During lean times (gasoline crises, droughts, SPCA membership drives, etc), you can really make a contribution in this position. Duties include finding high-death areas previously overlooked, disguising endangered species, devising pesticides that turn herbivores into reasonable facsimiles of roadkills, and operating RRU's custom Roadkillers in "wildlife-overpopulated" areas. Requires low morals, ability to read maps in the dark while driving without headlights and complete lack of fear and compassion. The ideal candidate will have spent at least one year on a Roadkill crew, and/or have a marketing, auto sales, collections, or political background. Since this is a REALLY cush job, deduct another 10% from published rates.

Public Relations Professional - This very challenging position allows you to use your people skills and animal magnetism. It involves comforting members of the deceased's family (and occasionally offing them as well, when counts are low), comforting owners of domestic roadkills keeping the press off our backs, writing press releases, and performing last rites/services/etc over the roadkills when family/owners/etc request it. Requires ability to lie convincingly, mumble sincerely in several languages and no deep religious beliefs about dead animals. Should have good reflexes, run fast, and speak from both sides of mouth. Pay commensurate with experience, to about half of Technician levels.

Vice-President, new areas - Training under a company officer in the plush headquarters of First, Second, or Third World Division, you will contribute to the most important day-today operations of the company. These include reading net news, posting, writing memos, going to lunch, riding motorcycles entertaining customers, recruiting, and a host of similar, difficult duties. Attendance at the Annual Bored Meetings in Hawaii is mandatory. Naturally, since this is an unglamorous job with little visibility or appreciation, you will be highly compensated for your efforts. We prefer to hire from outside for these positions, as we just have difficulty keeping people in the lower positions long enough to train them for this, besides which most of them, by the time they make supervisor, all stink for life.

Roadkills-R-Us is a top-notch, equal opportunity employer, and is indiscriminate in hiring. If you can wield a shovel and a lawn bag, you can work for us. The U.S. government requires you to have a Social Security Card to work, and our print shop will supply one if needed. We accept Green Cards.

All positions include all-you-can-eat on the job.

Our benefits are at least the equal of those given by the US military: long hours, low pay, hard work, we may treat you like dirt, and you have a good chance of getting shot at.

Direct enquiries to our personnel department, but don't expect a quick response. Which reminds me, we'll soon be hiring for those positions, too.

Send resumes, questions, samples, or whatever to:

Roadkills-R-Us
World Headquarters
11501 Johnson Rd
Leander, TX
78641-5823
attn: Michelle Debinhex