GRAND PERJURY HEARINGS!(XXX, Washington, DC) New testimony was released today from the Clinton Grand Perjury hearings. Spike, the first family iguana, was called early on, but not a word of that testimony was leaked to the outside world. Today, however, an overlooked appendix to the Starr report was found just before being fed to an Oval Office shredder. The contents read like a racy Hank the Cowdog story.
Editor's Note: Spike, being an iguana, speaks no English. Therefore, he bonked his head against the bulletproof, glass partition between himself and the grand jury, using morse code to communicate with the jurors. This was initially a problem, but no more so than dealing with President Clinton in English.]
``Did you eat the cigar?''
``What do you mean by the word, "cigar"?''
``We mean the long, smelly, brown thing...''
``Excuse me. You must have me confused with a dog. Dogs eat their, um, output; iguanas do not.''
``...made of tobacco leaves drenched in toxins and rolled up in brown wrapping paper, with a little gold band around it with the words, "hand-rolled in Cuba" on it.''
``Yes, that. Did you eat it?''
``Well, not in the actual sense of... I mean, not really. No. I did not eat the cigar.''
``Mr. Guana, we have Ms. Laworski's testimony that you ate the cigar. We have these photos of you eating the cigar.''
``Oh, is that what you meant? I thought you meant "eat". According to Miss Manners, eating requires a fork, a knife, a napkin, all that stuff. I never use that stuff. So from my point of view, I've never eaten anything in my entire life, including a cigar.''
``Did you bite the cigar? Did you bite off pieces? Did you swallow any of it?''
``OK, I bit the cigar. But I didn't inhale. I mean swallow.''
``Why don't you tell us exactly what you did with the cigar?''
``Exactly? You mean as in, details?''
``No? NO? What do you mean, "NO!!!"''
``No. What part of "no" don't you understand?''
``Mr. Guana, you are here to testify, and you must answer these questions. Tell us everything that happened with that cigar from the moment you and Ms. Laworski were alone in the room with it.''
``This could jeapordize my publishing contract with PlayLizard!''
``Just tell us about the cigar!''
``All right. (Sheesh. It worked for Nancy Reagan.) That woman, Ms. Laworski, bought me this cigar. She waltzed into my office while I was on the phone, and stuck it in my mouth. I mean, I had no choice! I'm a victim! Eventually, nice guy that I am, I gave in, just to keep her out of trouble. I walked around with it in my mouth for a while just to make her happy.''
``And, uh, well, she, uh, this whole thing is pretty personal, you know. Do you really think anyone cares about this stuff? No! they're far more interested in how well I do my job of bonking my head against my wall, and terrorizing visitors! This whole thing is a disgusting perversion of justice, and I blame it all on that Starr guy. I mean, he's just a dupe of the Republicans! Where did they get him from? Why couldn't the Just Us Department designate the special prosecutor? Oh, wait. We did. Nevermind! ... But why is he stalking me this way? He's trying to destroy my life! And you're all helping him!''
``The cigar, Mr. Guana?''
``<sigh> ... I just want to make the world a better place, you know? OK. Uh... So that woman...''
``Ms. Laworski. She, um, she cleaned her ear with the cigar. And then I, uh, I carried it around in my mouth some more. Then she cleaned her other ear. We kept this up until the end was really soggy. Then I bit the end off. The next day, we did this again. In a couple of weeks, the cigar was gone...''
[The jurors mostly look horror-stricken. One looks rather interested, but another runs to the bathroom, gagging.]
``That's... That's revolting. Disgusting!''
``Look, I told you to keep your nose out of my private life! Look. I'm... I'm sorry. I've, uh, let down my, um, family. Honey, I'm sorry. I know tobacco products and ear wax are not things to ingest. And I should never have done that with that woman. But it's... Look, you want justice? Bring that Starr guy in. Let me bite his ear lobes! And you people - it's your fault this country has the problems it has! Let's see you fix it without getting spit all over a few tobacco leaves!''
[At this point the hearings degenerated into a free for all. It quickly became apparent why the Secret Service had insisted on Spike being behind a protective barrier as the spud guns came out. More details when our on the spot reporters recover from the bites, claw marks, and cigar burns.]
FOREIGN RELATIONS COUNCIL TIFF(UHOH, Washington, DC) Today, embattled President Clinton ran into problems when several key players, all women, no-showed at his foreign policy summit. Off to a rocky start, the President attempted to move things back on track with his "It's the economy, stupid!" speech, long one of his favorites. But the majority of the remaining diplomats and aides left in a huff over the implication that they were ``stupid''.
A spokesman for one major US trading partner has hinted that ``stupid people can't build thermonuclear devices, and at this point, after the insult to our national honor, that's all we're willing to trade that man.''
In a surprise show of support, President Clinton received a personal telegram from also embattled President Saddam Hussein of Iraq. President Hussein explained that he and President Clinton had a number of political enemies in common, such as George Bush and the media. He also offered to send over several ``top female aides to help through this difficult time. They are all quite... good at their job.''
President Clinton reportedly tried to call President Hussein to thank him, but was held in a hammer lock by the First Lady until he could be sedated by his advisors and spin doctors.
SWISSAIR HEIST($$$, New York) Today SwissAir admitted that their recently downed jet had been carrying a one of a kind cigar worth ``scads of money''. The jet was also ferrying important legal documents relating to a number of foreign affairs currently being pursued by the White House. Divers brought up the still sealed cargo containers, which proved to be empty, leading officials to suggest that the cigar and documents had been stolen before the flight took off. Interpol indicated that they have several suspects in the form of a gang of Cubans disguised as baggage smashers.
The Oval Office immediately released a statement that President Clinton had never smoked a cigar, doesn't know any Cubans, and that all such accusations were a result of ``Republican tobacco interests''.
MORE SUPPORT FOR CLINTON(QUE, Havana) Polls indicate that 83% of all dictators suggest that President Clinton is doing an ``OK'' job, but could do better in the area of ``suppressing the opposition''.
Long-time Presidential pal Fidel Castro offered to send special troops to help President Clinton deal with his enemies. The President, sleeping off a sedative, was unable to take the call, but Vice President Gore, sweating profusely, assured Premier Castro that there was no need to send troops.
Castro then indicated that he would begin raising funds to help with his friend's defense, by auctioning off his cherished photograph of a younger Bill Clinton surrounded by fellow freedom fighters such as Castro and Che Guevara.
The Oval Office later released a statement that President Clinton may have once held a cigar, but had never inhaled, and that under his interpretation of international law, Castro was not, per se, a Cuban, but a kind of fish.
JOB CRISIS IN DC(YOW, Washington, DC) The unemployment figures for this quarter for Washington, DC, took a turn for the worse today, when it was discovered that thousands of young women, primarily from Arkansas, had moved to the DC area in hopes of getting a job as a presidential aid.
According to the mayor's office, only a handful of the women have been able to find jobs, mostly as aids in Mayor Marion Barry's office. The rest are primarily standing on street corners holding signs such as "Will work for cigars".
The Oval Office released sworn testimony that President Clinton ``has never been from Arkansas, has never been a woman, and doesn't know any women''. The President did indicate that he would like to go to Arkansas to investigate the economy.
GOOD GUYS ONLY WIN IN THE MOVIES[Editorial by Suzi Styrofoam]
President Clinton should not resign. I mean, Nixon did, and what good did it do him? Did that help the economy? His pardon didn't help Ford at all! Besides, what's the big deal? So he misled us. He admitted that. It takes a big man, a man who eats lots of french fries, to do that. And it's not like he lied or anything. He just misled us!
And now that we understand his dictionary, it's clear that he didn't have sex, didn't abuse his office, didn't set a bad example. So where's the beef?
This whole affair (sic) is so silly. Maybe someone should write a book or make a movie about it. About how this really good guy is set up by some woman as if they'd had an affair. They could call it, I don't know, Disclosure. I bet Michael Crichton could do a great job with it.
And besides, that iguana's kind of cute.
The KneeJerks in Management
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