LOCAL BANKS IN UPROAR, NATIONAL GUARD, MORAL MAJORITY CALLED OUTRecent events here in Spumoni have brought commerce to a near standstill. Monday, the 1st Bank of Spumoni, acting in typical MBA-kneejerk fashion to a recent dip in earnings, took a tip from local grafitti artists, and began running billboard, television and radio ads, claiming that "Jesus Saves... at 1st Spumoni". Over 200 local Christian individuals and businesses immediately closed their accounts at 1st Spumoni in protest at use of "the Lord's name in advertising". Several prominent atheists also withdrew their funds, refusing to be associated with such "blatant religious proselytizationism". The loss, however, was offset by the bank gaining two new customers, both recent immigrants. One, Sen~orita Valdez de las Buenas Margaritas Nuevas, is an importer of "South American vegetables and chemicals". The other, Mr. Mohammed Al-Jaffe Khariim Sudan, is an importer of "self-defense accessories". Both deposited several million dollars, and seemed unconcerned by the boycotters outside their new mansions, although the various men in combat fatigues patrolling their grounds seemed a bit nervous, fingering their AK-47s.
Later that afternoon, Spumoni Trust began a new ad campaign, hoping to pick up the Christians 1st Spumoni had lost. They announced, "Moses invests... at Spumoni Trust, where he gets the highest yield for his manna". The folks over at ST, however, hadn't thought about the fact that ST had most of the local Jewish population as customers. Ninety-seven percent of the Jewish community has left ST, as have several dozen ecumenical Christian church leaders, in protest at Spumoni Trust's campaign. This huge loss was only slightly offset by ST's gaining new depositors from the local KKK and Aryan Underground Nation, who touted this "great bastion of pure humanity" at Spumoni Trust, but who have apparently invested their not inconsiderable savings in something other than CDs and bonds.
This morning, however, the streets were packed solid with people in the downtown Banking Square, when the Bank of England (At Spumoni) Trust Company topped its competitors with a slogan that "Satan banks with BEASTCO!". Hundreds of depositors withdrew all funds, hundreds of others were transfering into BEASTCO, and most of the local stores were closed due to confusion over where their money was, much less whether their customers' checks were good.
Local Police were taxed to the limit trying to control the by now berserk crowds in our normally peaceful town. The mayor called for the immediate resignations and deportation of all three financial institutions' officers. The governor gave approval for the National Guard to assist the Spumoni Police department. The Moral Majority reformed to send a delegation in support of local churches.
AT 11:30 this morning, however, all transactions came to a halt, when it was discovered that Satan did, indeed, bank at BEASTCO. According to reliable witnesses (including the governor's daughter's best friend's stepmother's neice, Ms. Tiddlywinks, a local 3rd grade teacher), a "huge, hairy, ugly, stinky fireball" came out of the ground in front of BEASTCO, and darted in through the doors. When it came out a few minutes later (headed at a high rate of speed towards Atlanta, laughing "demonically"), the bank was found to be not only devoid of funds, but of all the personnel who had not quit. All known investors have apparently disappeared, as well.
Scotland Yard and the Surete have both offered the FBI their help. All calls to the local and state FBI offices are diverted to message machines at present, and local agents are not talking to the press.
MORAL MAJORITY SOLD AND BOUGHTToday it was announced that Playboy Enterprises now owns the Moral Majority trademark. According to PE's spokesperson, Miss Luscious Cherryjello, the giant pleasure corporation went through several levels of agents to buy the rights to the name. The chain ended in an unnamed defrocked televangelist, who apparently felt that "if Jerry wants to sell out, he gets what he deserves. Besides, if this helps me get back on the air, it must be God's will. Look how He helped Oral through a gambler!" Most local church leaders, when asked their opinion, simply shrugged their shoulders, and remarked, "I never supported those guys anyway. This is about what we expected", or something similar.
Jerry Falwell, the former MM leader is reported to be livid, despite the considerable amount of Kruugerands he alledgedly got for the trademark. Mr. Falwell could not be reached for comment.
The Hefners are not returning our calls, but Ms. Cherryjello purred that they were very happy about the acquistion, and had "some real fun ideas about what to do now".
ELVIS FRANCHISES AVAILABLEElvis is apparently alive and well after all. He can be seen in Eufala, AL, Tifton, GA, and Chattanooga, TN. Priscilla Presley announced this morning that she had signed three franchise agreements with Elvis impersonators, who have legally changed their names, and may claim to be the "real Elvis Presley" within their states. Territories are guaranteed exclusive. The rights to be an Elvis go for the paltry sum of 12 million dollars, or (10% of your gross or 50% of your net, whichever you prefer) for the next 318 years (or the rest of your life, whichever is longer). Several applicants from other nearby states are having their paperwork processed now.
Graceland is considering suing, according to an insider at the former Elvis home, citing unfair trade practices and antitrust laws.
NEW RESTAURANT FOR NEGLECTED MINORITYHazeline Mary Jo Amy "Lil Darlin" Smith has opened yet another restaurant. Like the other three (Mama's Scones, Joe Bob's Spaghetti Palace & Massage Parlor, and Elvis's Pelvis Burgers), this one should be a hit. Located on Highway 41, it's prime tourist bait, as well as offering (as usual for our very own Hazeline) a great bargain on great home cookin', Talulah Gorge (named partly after the nearby scenic canyon, of course), aims at a segment of the market heretofore mostly unnoticed. Namely, the bulemics of America. For only a penny a pound (your pre-meal body weight, as determined on the Gorge's certified cattle scale), you get all you can eat and puke in 2 hours.
The International Bulemia Society has invested in the new restaurant, to the tune of $10,000 and 300 gold vomitoriums (or whatever those things are called).
James Brown will unleash his newest hit in a big party at the Gorge. Here are some excerpts from this tender song of empathy with the bulemics of our great nation:"Say it gross and say it loud! I'm bulemic and I'm proud!" "It ain't gross it's just too cool Just call me a pukin' fool!"Mr. Brown, being himself of the colored persuasion, says he can identify with this downtrodden minority, and is in fact primarily responsible for obtaining the services of Hosea Williams, noted civil rights activist and religious leader, and also colored, as the speaker at the Grand Opening Special banquet. Assuming that Mr. Williams is out of jail on his latest DUI charge, the City of Spumoni will be proud to have this Atlanta mayoral hopeful as our guest. In fact, Chief of Police Danny Bob "Bubba" Bud Johnson has arranged a special motorcade to meet the Rev. Williams at the city limits and escort him personally while he is in town.
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